Since I can think I was taught to always listen to what feels right. My mother was (and still is) that kind of unique mother that would support whatever it was if it was something that felt right to me. When I was 19 I went to New York to work with people my age or younger that no other home would take. The same year I wrote my parents that I will travel to South America. When I came back from Ecuador I told them that I fell in love with an indigenous guy from Colombia that does street theater and that I will go with him (instead of studying) to do a street thater tournee through South America – by bus for 9 months.
When I came back again I started to study acting and international development and worked in marketing – that gave my parents at least some rest. Until I decided to go back to South America again… and again… and again.
I never understood the sense of it all. I learned so many things in so many disciplines and still I wasn’t able to call myself this or that. Strange that it is such a painful experience not beeing able to call yourself ’something‘.
The turning point was when I was in Argentina to study dance theater and reached the peak of my frustration about not beeing able to know what I should do with my life that I said: „Ok, you know what, until I don’t know for sure what I should do with my life I will just wait and not do anything at all. I don’t care what it is, I’m willing to become whatever – I just want to know what it is.“
It took me half a year doing nothing. Then a sudden insight hit me – or maybe I just got very bored. 😉 I realized that I can take advantage of knowing so many discIplines by bringing them all together. Well, doesn’t sound that genious now, but that day it felt like a miracle.
I went back to Vienna, not knowing if I would stay there or move to Argentina for good. I knew I wanted to open up a cultural center somewhere. So I stayed and told my parents I would open up a cultural center for creative/social projects in a room that costs 2.000,- per month.
Well i told this story over and over again.. And how I lived and learned with dieLICHTFABRIK and the other projects for more than 3 awesome and challenging years. I could tell stories over stories.
And now? There was a moment in this story where the things that were lovingly built up started to fade away again. Including the identity I built up with it. Slowly but steady. I don’t know when, why or how exactly but I felt it for a long while. I don’t know if I wanted them to fade away or if I fought against it. Maybe both.
Or maybe there is a third option:
they didn’t fade away.
They just transformed.
And for transformations you sometimes need to leave your home and find a new one knowing that you can never come back to the same home the way you were before.
Letting go is the easiest thing in the world.
If you don’t believe that things should be different.
And if you practice not to feel bad about what you or others did but instead remind yourself that it’s not about what happens to you but about how you interpret it. And this counts for yourself as much as for the others.
Not always easy.
And also the stories I’m telling are just interpretations. Even the identity I built up is just a story of what I thought was ment to be. And that’s totally great. Because I loooove stories. I guess we all do somehow. As long as I know it’s just a story. Because if I know that I can choose if I want it to be a drama, an adventure, science fiction, a success or a love story. I personally like to go for the adventure one.
But no matter which kind of story you choose: Make your life a story worth telling.